


you hold an absence at your center as if it were a life

by saekhwa



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Body Horror, Eldritch, Horror, M/M, eldritch horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 11:29:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6564424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saekhwa/pseuds/saekhwa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The door swings open, and Len stands on the other end of it, smirking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you hold an absence at your center as if it were a life

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I was tempted to put, "Moriavis made me do it," as my summary, because she encourages the worst in me. But fuck it. Here's Eldritch horror and all that that entails. 
> 
> Despite her terrible influence, I cannot thank her enough for beta'ing this and more importantly, for pushing me to write a more complete narrative. And a million more thanks to kisahawklin and dungeonmarm and calypsid for cheering me on, even though they had no idea what this was going to turn into.
> 
> Title from [the poem "Grief" by Richard Brostoff](http://www.versedaily.org/2013/grief.shtml).

"Barry, listen to me," Wells says. "If you don't do this. If you don't push through your own mental blocks, everyone you love will die."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Harry," Cisco interjects on the comms. "First, not cool. Second, watch some Independence Day for actually-inspirational inspirational speeches."

"Your reference eludes me, Ramon."

"Does Earth-2 have any of the classics? The Goonies? Lord of the Rings? No? I just need to know. I'll hook you up with my Amazon Prime, and we can have a 101 on Earth-1 culture."

Barry can hear Harrison's frustration, and he shakes his head, staring down the street. "No, Cisco."

"Hey, don't diss movie night before you've tried it."

"That's..." Barry wants to laugh, but it only comes out as a rough sigh. "Wells is right. He's right."

"Barry," Caitlin says. 

Barry takes a breath. "It's okay, guys. I have to do this. I _can_ do this." He has to, because there's too much at stake. 

Closing his hands into fists, he takes another breath and then another. Then he rolls his shoulders back, leans forward, and runs. He zips through the buildings, between the cars and bystanders, finding an open path in milliseconds.

"Hey, it's working!" Cisco laughs. "Evil Dr. Wells finally did something good for a change."

Barry dodges a skateboarder by zipping up the stairs and then cuts through the alley, everything a blur. But it doesn't feel like it's enough. It never feels like enough. Harrison and Cisco — everyone Barry cares about have been working to make him faster without losing himself the way Zoom—the way Jay seems to have lost himself to the addiction of the speed force. 

This — what Barry's doing to push himself during these crucial seconds — is different. Barry needs to believe it is, and he thinks of Iris and Joe and Wally and what it means to have them as family, what it means to have Oliver, Felicity, and Diggle as allies, what it means to … have Len. Or the start of something anyway. Barry laughs, because Len, what he's doing, proves that Barry was right and now—

He catches sight of something at the edge of his vision. When he looks to his right, he sees himself. Not just his reflection but the ghost of himself, which— Crap. It means he's going back in time again. He needs to run faster but not like this. Maybe slowing down? But that won't help him stop Zoom. If going slower isn't the answer…

Barry wishes he could ask himself. He turns to look at himself again, sees his face—

~*~

"Snart?" Barry laughs when Snart turns and greets him with a smirk.

"Barry."

"What are you…?" Barry looks around, expecting to see Lisa, maybe Mick, even though he can't imagine Mick ever stepping into Jitters. He turns back to Snart and wonders about the timeline, whether Barry's or Len's— 

It can get pretty confusing, so Barry asks, "What are you doing here?"

Snart shrugs, casually pointing at the menu. "Just wanted to try the new drink. Get some of the flash." The barista calls his name. When he gets his drink, he turns to face Barry, and Barry isn't surprised to see that Snart ordered the flash on ice. "Mmm. Not bad."

Barry shouldn't laugh, but Snart's— Shameless. Barry hopes that's chai instead of a terrible pun, but he shakes his head and takes a step when Snart turns like he's leaving. "You and Mick have been pretty quiet lately."

Snart glances at Barry over his shoulder. "It's what happens when you're trying to stop—" He ends with a shrug. 

Barry laughs, nodding. "Yeah. Tell me about it."

Snart stares at Barry long enough that Barry starts shifting from foot to foot. He gets his own coffee when they call his name and notices Snart's nod toward the door. 

"Gonna take me to the Waverider?" Barry asks, grinning. 

Snart shakes his head, and Barry's glad he's not trying to deny it or hide it. "Somewhere a little more … private. Looks like you need a one-on-one."

Barry feels his eyebrows draw together as he stares after Snart, but he follows gamely along anyway. It's a short walk to a park, and Snart finds a nice bench with a tree that provides enough shade they don't have to squint at each other. Barry looks around and is surprised no one's nearby. 

"Look, Snart—"

"Len."

Barry stares and then brings up his drink, scalding his tongue, but at least he's not staring at Snart like an idiot. 

"Figure we're on a first-name basis by now, Red."

Barry nods, finds himself laughing as he nods again. "Yeah, okay. Leonard. Len." He glances at Len and shifts closer. "I just wanna say that I know all about your mission." He grins. "I knew there was good in you."

Len doesn't roll his eyes, but he responds with a small shake of his head that's close enough as far as Barry's concerned. 

~*~

Barry skids to a stop in front of Cisco. "I ghosted."

Cisco immediately holds up his hands, and Barry remembers the shirt that Cisco's wearing, thinks maybe he only traveled back a day, which is good. He can work with this, but Cisco's pushing his chair back, away from the desk. "We've talked about this. And according to you"—Cisco points both fingers at Barry—"we've talked about this more than once. So let's avoid the disaster and the time paradox and don't tell me anything, okay?"

"But, Cisco, this was—"

"Ha!" Cisco wags a finger at Barry as he stands. "No. Not getting tricked this time." He sticks his fingers in his ears and closes his eyes, walking backward toward the door. "I am jamming to the tune of 'I can't hear you.'"

"Cisco, wait." There's no point. Cisco's obviously not listening, so Barry finds Caitlin. "I ghosted and—"

"Wait." Caitlin looks up at him. "You're not supposed to share that information. It could irrevocably—"

"I know, okay? I know. But this is— It was different. Something's wrong."

Caitlin looks from Barry to her equipment. "We can run some tests."

"No, not with-with _me_. I mean something was wrong with the…" Barry frowns, gesturing to his left, but Caitlin looks at him, patiently waiting for him to finish despite her obvious worry. "Other me?"

Caitlin nods, laugh soft. "You've traveled back in time, Barry. To fix it. And you will. We believe in you."

"That's not—" Barry watches her walk away, too, and he looks at the ceiling. When he skids to a stop, he pauses and then flashes around the room, catching all the flying pieces of paper and returning them to Harrison's desk. "I traveled back—"

Harrison holds up a hand. "Keep it to yourself. Your time traveling has caused enough damage to your earth and mine."

~*~

Len's a hero, and Barry's not the only one who knows it, who believes in him. And Barry knows Len'll deny it — he already has, several times — but traveling through time, stopping an immortal dictator? Barry knows what's up. 

So when Len calls Barry, Barry pretends his shock is the reason he hedges around telling Len what's been bothering him. When Len actually invites Barry over, Barry doesn't hesitate. He goes.

He looks at each door as he walks down the hall, and it's stupid, because he can find Len's apartment in seconds. Getting to Len's apartment door faster doesn't help, though. Barry stands in front of it, his heart pounding as he shoves his left hand into his pocket and holds his knuckles an inch away from the door. When he finally knocks, it's two successive strikes followed by a glance to the left and then the right, like someone else might pop out. 

Barry hears the deadbolt and then a chain, and he laughs. Len probably has a whole security system that patches into the Waverider. The door swings open, and Len stands on the other end of it, smirking. 

They stand there, Barry in the hall, Len in the apartment until Len arches an eyebrow and asks, "Do you need a special invitation?"

Barry zips inside, just past Len. 

"You're paying for the damages if you burn my carpet."

Barry looks at the carpet, but it's fine. He didn't even reach it, so he makes a point of pulling off his shoes, setting them next to the wall. "Won't get a speck of dirt on it. Promise."

He steps aside so Len can lead the way. He goes into the kitchen, and Barry smells—

"Are you cooking?" he asks, peering at the stove.

"Thought you might be hungry. Whipped up a little something."

That "little something" happens to be spaghetti and meatballs that Len actually hand rolled. When they sit at the small table by the window, Barry eats at a normal person's pace, because he's sure Len would make fun of him. He wants to slurp the noodles into his mouth and see what kind of reaction he'd get out of Len, but he doesn't, because that would be childish. 

They just sit there and eat, and Len doesn't even seem fazed when Barry asks for seconds and thirds, the apartment growing dimmer as the sun sets. 

Barry volunteers to do the dishes, and Len reclines in his seat, says, "Have at it."

When Barry's finished — he even put away the leftovers and washed the pots — he returns to the table. And maybe it's the darkness that makes it easier, or the way Len's patient enough to sit in silence and wait for Barry. 

Eventually, while he's looking out the window, Barry says, "I left all those people on Earth-2 trapped with Zoom. I—" He shakes his head, glances at Len but can't read his face, so he looks out at what he can see of Central City. "I left them there. I abandoned them. That's not what a hero does. Even to save this earth, to save _my_ family."

Len's hand is chilly when it curls around Barry's shoulder. Barry hadn't even heard the scrape of the chair, but he turns and leans into Len's arms, buries his face against Len's stomach, which is just as cold. But Len holds him more tightly, even slides his fingers through Barry's hair, and that's all that matters. Barry hadn't realized how much until just now.

"We all have to make sacrifices."

Barry raises his head to try and look into Len's eyes. He needs to say it. "But—"

"It's not a sacrifice if it's easy, Scarlet."

"But what else—" Barry stops and swallows around the lump that's formed in his throat. _Who_ else does he have to risk losing?

But he already knows.

~*~

Barry rubs his forehead and tries to concentrate on what Cisco and Caitlin are saying, but they keep talking over each other, and not in the seamless way they usually do, where they finish each other's sentences. It's starts and stops, fits of sentences without any clear direction. Barry just wants to know where to go, what he should do, how much faster he needs to move, so he can save Central City and all the innocent people on Earth-2 the way— 

Barry swallows, but the thought is there, and he can't run from it — the way he couldn't save his mom. 

He let her die.

He's always going to regret that he saw himself — his future self — shake his head and he'd just … accepted it, as if his future had all the answers. But it didn't. No one did. Not really.

"Guys," Barry says, and leans against one of the cars parked on the street, grateful when the alarm doesn't go off. 

He feels too hot in the suit, and now Harrison's joined the argument about waves and sound and tachyon particles. Barry can't keep up. He takes a look at himself in the side mirror of the car. It's hard to see. Even with the street lamp overhead, all Barry can make out is "objects in the mirror are closer than they appear."

He straightens and pushes away from the car. "Hey, will you stop? Cisco. Cait."

Barry takes a step—

~*~

Technically, Barry has options — several of them — but in that split second between running away from STAR Labs and heading anywhere else, he knows there's only one place he wants— needs to be tonight. 

He doesn't bother with the lights as he kicks off his shoes and walks down the hall. His eyes adjust well enough that he doesn't stub his toe on any of the furniture or a corner of the wall. When he reaches the bedroom door, it's ajar, and he shivers, rubbing his arms in hopes of breaking the chill. 

With his hand on the knob, he pushes the door open, slowly. He swallows and then smiles when he sees Len's outline on the bed, sitting up. 

"Long night?"

Barry sighs, "The longest," and slides out of his jeans. He thinks about keeping them on, but sleeping in jeans isn't comfortable. "I kept trying—" He shakes his head and tugs off his socks. "How was your day?" Barry decides to keep on his shirt and rubs his arms again. "Was it a day? Should I say days? Years?"

He's pretty sure the shift in the Len-shaped shadow is Len shrugging. He wants to ask for more details, but when he steps forward, Len raises the blanket and Barry doesn't really want to talk anymore. He slides into bed only to suck in a breath, shivering harder when he presses against Len. 

"You're cold." Barry groans at himself and laughs with embarrassment. 

Len doesn't make it any better when he wraps an arm around Barry's waist, tugging him closer, murmuring, "The coldest." His breath, as he leans in for a kiss, feels like a piece of ice sliding over Barry's throat. 

~*~

"So what evil Dr. Wells—"

"I'm Dr. Wells." Harrison pushes his glasses up to rub at his eyes. "He was not Dr. Wells, evil or otherwise." 

"You're doing it again. The interrupting. We talked about this, Harry." Cisco and Harrison stare at each other until Caitlin steps forward. 

"It's fascinating," she says, and points at the screen. "Not just his technology from the future. All of it. What"—She glances at Harrison—"Eobard Thawne achieved. It's remarkable."

"Yes. As I was saying." Cisco whirls around in his chair and gestures at the screen. "His formula. It's not like Velocity 9. It's a device. And once I build it, it'll generate a tachyon field—"

"That will allow you to move faster than the speed of light," Harrison finishes. 

"Oh." Barry blinks and then nods. "Okay."

Cisco stops glaring at Harrison to turn and stare at Barry. "Oh? Barry, I need some more enthusiasm from you, man. This is tech from the future that will help you move faster than the speed of light, and all you give us is an 'oh'?" Cisco shakes his head. "Clearly someone needs another powerbar."

"No, no, it's great news." Barry laughs, and rubs his hands up and down his arms. "I— Just when will you be finished? Building it, I mean?"

"Already working on a prototype with Mr. Interrupter over here."

"What Ramon means to say is that—"

"We're on it." Cisco grins when, this time, Harrison glares at him. 

~*~

Three tries later, Barry finally gets the key in the lock. He ate twenty Big Belly burgers with one large fry, another large fry drenched in cheese, and a large chocolate shake, but he's still tired, a little dizzy, stomach growling. 

He pushes open the door and stops, shivering. "Len?"

"Hey, Red."

Barry drops his shoulders and steps inside. "Hey." He shuts the door behind him, twists the lock on the knob, clicks over the deadbolt, and then slides the chain across. "When did you get back?"

"Does it matter?"

Barry laughs, shaking his head. "No. Guess not. It's—" He steps forward, and Len reaches out, grasps Barry's outstretched hand. Barry leans into him but can't stop the shiver that follows the cold weight of Len's hand on the small of his back. "I'm glad you're here."

"Come on." Len draws away but steers Barry toward the kitchen, his palm still cold on Barry's back. 

Barry's stomach growls at the smell, and he wonders what Len cooked. Whatever it is, Barry's going to eat. He's starving. 

Len bites his neck when they cross into the kitchen, and Barry's skin prickles, scalp tingling. It hurts, but Barry knows he'll heal. 

"Eat something," Len says, fingertips brushing Barry's mouth. "Then you can tell me all about it." 

~*~

Barry's stomach clenches at the smell of Cisco's burger on the table. He grips the back of the chair so hard that it sounds like it creaks. He detaches one hand to rub his forehead and then shoves his hand through his hair and straightens. 

"Will you please listen to me for a sec?" He looks at everyone when they all stop talking. He takes a breath to continue his train of thought but the smell hits him again, his mouth watering like he hadn't eaten an hour and a half ago. He lunges forward and grabs Cisco's burger, shoving half of it into his mouth. He swallows so fast that he almost chokes. 

"Guess I wasn't that hungry anyway," Cisco mutters, twisting around to face the monitors. "You can't have my fries, though." He holds those close to his chest, popping one into his mouth as he pushes his chair back, sliding out of Barry's reach. 

Wells pulls off his glasses, eyes narrowed on Barry. "What is so important that you're willing to risk all of our futures?"

"This is different." Barry pauses to finish the rest of the burger, licking the tomato juice off his fingers. 

"Well, yeah," Cisco says, "every time you go back in time is going to be different, but you can't let us know the differences, 'cause—"

"No." Barry runs his hands through his hair and shakes his head. "When I ghosted— When I saw myself, it was like it—" Barry stares at Cisco's fries. His stomach hurts, and it's growling again. "It wasn't me. Or it was me and I was—" Barry closes his eyes and shudders. 

"Barr." Joe squeezes Barry's shoulder and glares at Harrison. "I don't know what's going on, but you should talk to us. Let it all out."

"No, detective, he should not." Harrison steps forward. "He's jeopardized us enough by telling us the little that he has. And if he—"

"Barry's gone back in time before—"

Barry misses seconds of the conversation to run to the nearest gas station. He orders everything that's in the hot case, and this is getting really, really expensive, but he hands over his credit card, and then he runs back to STAR Labs in time to hear—

"—to stop Zoom," Harrison says. "Or am I the _only_ one willing to make the sacrifices, willing to concentrate enough on this task that everyone else seems to have forgotten?"

Cisco hunches over the keyboard. "It's not like we're sitting on our butts doing nothing."

"I think," Caitlin says, "what Dr. Wells is trying to say," she glances at Harrison but then looks at Barry again, "is that we can't know our future, but we all know that you can change it, Barry. We're just"—Barry's stomach growls loudly enough that everyone turns to look at him while he gulps the last of the one-liter coke in his hand—"worried about you."

~*~

Every time Barry walks through the door, Len's cooking. 

"Hey, looks like..." He points at the light fixture, where there should be light but isn't. "Want me to change it?"

"Not important. Leave it."

If Len wants to cook in the dark… Barry shrugs, wraps his arms around Len's waist, and rests his head on Len's shoulder while Len flips something in the pan. It smells like steak, and Barry's stomach rumbles. He rubs his cheek against Len's shoulder, squeezing Len more tightly. He's almost sad when Len clicks off the stove and the heat begins to fade from the room. 

They sit by the window to eat, and Barry was right. It's steak. A little more rare than he likes it, but it's good, buttery with whatever sauce Len made for it. Barry tries to hold a piece up to the window to have a closer look but lowers it, flushing, when he hears Len laugh. 

His cheeks burn hotter when Len's fingers slide over his hand, and he takes Barry's fork. 

"Hey," Barry says, but then smiles when Len holds it out to him, offering him the steak. Barry accepts the bite and the one after that until he's eaten his steak and half of Len's, too. 

As always, Barry does the dishes, and it's as he's washing the pan that he realizes all they had was steak. Barry shrugs it off. He's still hungry but he'll pick up something later maybe. On his way home. 

He jumps when Len's arms circle around him, Len's cold cheek making Barry's skin prickle. "Stay the night."

Barry swallows and can't help it. He asks, "Are you sure?"

"Wouldn't have offered if I wasn't."

Barry laughs, ducking his head, and Len nuzzles the back of his neck. Barry shivers again. "Okay, yeah."

They walk hand in hand to Len's room. Barry lets go of Len to hold himself, rubbing his hands up and down his arms while Len slides his hands under Barry's shirt, coaxing Barry's arms up, so he can take it off. 

"I know you like it cold, but there's such a thing as central heat now."

"Why waste an opportunity?"

"What opportunity? Are you making ice cream?" Barry slaps Len's hands away and takes off his own jeans, kicking them toward the wall so neither one of them will trip over it later. 

He joins Len on the bed but yelps when his leg brushes Len's. If Barry turned on a light, he knows he'd see his own breath. 

"Heating blanket," Barry says. 

He kisses Len first, a tentative brush of his mouth to Len's shoulder. Len's fingers are ten points of freezing contact on Barry's hips. They dig into Barry's skin, and Barry shudders as Len pulls him closer.

"I'm serious. I'll bring over a space heater."

Len kisses him, probably to shut him up, but Barry doesn't mind. He leans in, stroking Len's back, exhaling a shaky breath when Len drags Barry onto his lap. Barry rolls his hips, rubbing himself against Len's stomach, and for a second, he goes soft with how cold it is in the room, but then Len wraps a hand around him and squeezes hard enough that Barry's erect again, almost immediately. He moans. Even with as chilly as Len's fingers are, Len's hot. He mouths at Barry's neck and strokes Barry to a shuddering orgasm that's so good, Barry barely even feels Len's teeth sinking down on his pulse. 

~*~

Iris sets down a steaming bowl of gumbo in front of Barry, and Barry devours it in seconds, already sitting down with a second bowl before Joe and Iris take their seats. 

"So." Iris stops, and Barry lifts his head long enough to look at her. "What's going on?"

Barry eats three more bites of gumbo and then sets down his spoon. His stomach growls in protest. "Nothing's going on."

"Don't give us that crap, Barr." Joe sets an elbow on the table, pointing a finger at Barry. "This isn't STAR Labs, and Iris and I." He gestures between them. "We know something's up."

Barry picks up his spoon and shovels the rest of the gumbo into his mouth. 

"Barry," Iris says, and her face is soft with concern when he looks at her. "You've been eating more than your weight. Possibly the weight of this house." She laughs as she waves a hand toward his empty bowl. "And I've heard Cisco and Caitlin talking. Not just about the tachyons but about you traveling through time. Whatever happens or _happened_ , Dad and I can see that it's been eating at you."

Barry stares down at his empty bowl and licks his lips. He wants to swipe a finger through it, lick it clean. He darts into the kitchen instead and returns to the table with another bowl. He blinks at Joe when he sets his bowl in front of Barry. 

"I don't give a damn what Wells says. Don't shut us out. We're here for you no matter what happens. Through thick and thin, Barr."

Iris nods and touches Barry's hand, squeezing it, and Barry can't help but cover her hand on top of his, greedily drinking in that warmth. "We've got each other's backs," she says. "You're always safe here."

~*~

Barry opens the door but doesn't move from the well-lit hall into Len's dark apartment. "Len?"

"Barry."

Barry's hand tightens around the doorknob, and he wonders… It's just that it sounds so much like that time Len was working with—was coerced into working with his dad. 

"Are you okay?"

"Peachy."

Barry hates that his voice shakes, and the only reason his hand isn't shaking, too, is because he has it wrapped so tightly around the doorknob that his fingers are going numb. "You're sure you're okay?"

He finally sees Len, the dark shape of him emerging from the kitchen, standing only a few feet away. Something— 

There's the smell of smoke, like maybe Len's cooking more steak. Barry's mouth waters. 

"Come inside, Red. I know you're hungry."

~*~

Barry devours three slices of pizza and then shoves a breadstick into his mouth as he stands.

"Barry?" Caitlin steps toward him, but he shakes his head, swallowing too fast that he coughs. 

"I'm fine," he rasps, and drinks more soda to clear his throat. "So let's try it out."

Cisco practically coos at the device when he picks it up from the table. "My greatest achievement."

"Technically, Mr. Thawne's greatest achievement," Harrison says. 

"Great Earth-2 humor there, Harry."

"It wasn't a joke."

"Yeah, well, I'm going to pretend it was a terrible one, because you've been a real downer lately, and this." Cisco grins as he attaches the device to the front of Barry's Flash suit. "This needs triumphant music and some fireworks."

"Let's hope the fireworks aren't Barry exploding in a spectacular disaster."

"Hey, I'll be fine," Barry says before they start up another argument. He grins at Cisco. "So let's test it."

Cisco drops into his chair and wheels it in front of the monitors. Before he even gives Barry the all clear, Barry sprints away from STAR Labs. 

"Whoa," he hears Cisco say over the comms. 

"Barry, your vitals look great," Caitlin says. 

Harrison makes a sound of agreement. "It seems the device is working as it should. How do you feel?"

Barry laughs. "I feel—" He can't describe it, and the only word he can think of is, "Great. I feel great. Wow. It's really working?"

"Try the—"

Barry doesn't hear it, because he leaps onto the water, runs over it, and Cisco whoops over the comms. This is... Barry needed this speed and now he has it, and he hopes… He hopes he's not too late.

~*~

Barry leaves the door open behind him, but he knows he's fast enough now, so he stands inside of Len's apartment, on the edge of where the pool of light from the hall fades into the shadows that hide the carpet. "I know it wasn't you." He stares harder, from left to right and back again, but can't see anything except the outline of the furniture. "I have proof it was me. Me and my friends and my family."

"You sure about that?" 

Barry leans forward, tries to see if Len's around the corner or maybe… "I didn't go faster because of you. I went faster because they helped me. Not you."

Barry darts another look to the left, but Len emerges from the right, from the kitchen, where Barry hears something sizzling in a pan. He presses a hand to his stomach, but it doesn't quiet the grumble of it or stop the shaky step he takes forward before he stops himself. 

"Trying to convince me?" Len asks, and it looks like he's leaning against the wall, arms folded over his chest. "Or yourself?" 

Barry stands his ground, closing his hands into fists, setting his jaw. The door slams shut behind him, and it takes him off guard so badly that he freezes. 

He whips around and grabs the doorknob, but his hand skids off of it when Len shoves him against the door. Barry rests his forehead against it, squeezing his eyes shut. Betrayal should feel … easier somehow. 

"Who are you?" Barry finally asks. "What do you want?"

"You're asking the wrong questions, Scarlet." Barry's throat tightens, and then he shudders when Len's fingers brush his mouth. "Do you want to go?" It sounds like Len and feels like Len, and he knows things only Len could know, and he's asking Barry… 

Barry angles his head to try and look at him, but the apartment's too dark. He flattens his palms against the door and pushes back. Len — it's not Len, but it's all Barry has to hold onto right now — shifts. It gives Barry enough space to turn around, to curl his hand around the doorknob again. 

"Will you—" Barry stops. He's not even sure what he's asking, but he twists the knob and opens the door a crack. 

"We all have to make sacrifices." 

Len starts moving back, the shadow of him rounding the corner into the kitchen. Barry's dizzy, like he's not pulling in enough oxygen or his heart's beating even faster than normal, and he thinks about … everything, that much closer to shaking apart. 

"Okay," Barry says, and his voice sounds so small in the dark. He feels like he's a boy again, trying to tell everyone—

Barry recoils, shivering, when Len's fingers skim down his cheek. Len's fingers slide down to cup his jaw, and he breathes in at the same time Len says, "Anything you want." 

The words chill in Barry's mouth. He licks his lips, but his mouth is still dry from the chill. "Okay." He closes the door, and hearing the resolute click of it stops the tremble in his hand as he drops it. The smell of whatever Len's cooking in the kitchen hits him again, and suddenly, his mouth is watering. "So what happens now?"

Len's thumb slides across Barry's bottom lip and then there's a soft push, and Barry opens his mouth, curling his tongue around Len's thumb. "You need to eat."

~*~

Barry jerks, sitting up so fast that he's actually against the wall, looking around for the danger. He relaxes when he sees that it's Caitlin, who steps forward, both hands out. 

"Are you okay?"

Barry's smile feels weak, but he offers it up anyway as he slides a hand through his hair and nods. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm just tired, you know? Between training and reading and trying to come up with a game plan against Zoom."

Caitlin nods. "I understand, but I noticed that you've been eating more."

"Yeah, about that. Do you think it's a side effect of the device? Like maybe..." Barry shrugs. "I don't know. I'm moving so fast now. Much faster than I ever have, so maybe that's affecting my metabolism?"

"Let's run some tests and see."

Barry nods. "Yeah. Okay. But first"—He takes a step back, toward the exit—"let me get something to eat."

~*~

Barry juggles five boxes of pizza, two liters of soda and a gallon of ice cream. Two of the boxes are already empty, because he ate on his way up to Len's apartment. He opens the door, using his shoulder, and then kicks it closed behind him. 

He shivers when Len's hand brushes his face. The sound of the lock turning is—

"Wait," Barry says, holding more tightly to his pizza boxes and bags, but Len's taking them away, tugging Barry deeper into the apartment. Barry hears the boxes fall, hears the liters of soda roll before they hit the wall and the couch. Barry holds up his hands. "I'm here. I came back. Just—" He swallows and sways toward that smell in the kitchen, the sound of something being fried maybe, like oil that pops after a splash of water hits it. 

"Just?"

Barry kicks off his shoes and then stands there, holding himself a moment and looking toward the kitchen, even though he can't see anything. He never sees what Len's cooking. "Slower. Please?"

Len ... looks like he's nodding, and he moves more slowly toward Barry, sets a hand on Barry's arm first, sliding it up and leaving an icy trail that burns Barry's skin. It feels like a burn, but Barry takes a step toward him anyway. 

"Would you prefer the bed?" Len whispers in his ear.

Barry closes his eyes and almost asks if it matters. Whether the question is _can you make me faster_ or this, the answer's the same. 

Barry nods. "Yeah."

Len strips him of his clothes with every step there, leaves a trail of it, but it's a pile of breadcrumbs that Barry can't see. When they reach the bedroom door, Barry's teeth chatter and he's shivering so hard, he's surprised he isn't phasing through the floor. He knows why he isn't.

He blinks and shakes his head when Len, behind him, says, "Barry?" 

Barry turns, not sure whether he was standing there for a few seconds or several minutes. Len's … still there, the shadow of him filling up the doorframe. Barry stretches his arms out until he feels Len's chest. He flattens his palms to it and steps closer, tilting his head up as the shadow of Len grows taller, curls around Barry until Barry can't feel his fingers or toes anymore. 

"I'm hungry," Barry says, and then he opens his mouth. 

Len forces his jaw apart even wider than that, so wide that Barry's eyes burn, but he's not sure whether he's crying or ... or something else. He misses the silence. Not that it was ever really silent, but it was better than the sound that floods the room — a hiss and susurration that makes Barry's ears itch and his skin crawl. 

Barry thinks he curls his fingers, but he doesn't have any real anchor. Len— _it_. Barry can't call it Len anymore when he feels the cold slide up his stomach and pour down his throat. His head hurts, but it only lasts a second, like his blood is freezing too, but he knows that's not true, because he still feels it push into his ass, jerking him up onto his toes. His cock chafes against whatever it is, and it squeezes his balls, and now Barry knows those are tears on his face. He can taste them — that and snot on his lips. Then that freezes, too. 

Barry coughs, falling forward. He's much higher than he realized, because he lands so hard that he skids, rolling into the wall. He pushes away from it and crawls up onto his hands and knees, still choking and coughing, and then it's back, shoving into him, moving so slowly that Barry whimpers, tipping forward, the carpet scraping his cheek and throat. 

When Barry blindly reaches out, cold tendrils wrap around his wrists and jerk him upright. His shoulders dislocate, popping out of place, but when he cries out, it's muffled by the press of it, sliding like a sharp point of ice down his throat. 

Barry wants—needs to say, _Just promise. Promise me._

It laughs behind him and thrusts — into Barry's ass, down his throat, his ears and nostrils, wriggling under his fingernails, beneath his skin. It's cold in Barry's eyes. He can't see, but he can feel it moving through his lungs and veins until it reaches the stuttering, slowing, halting beat of his heart. 

"We have a deal, Red."

~*~

"Barry, I don't think this is wise." 

"The tests showed no adverse effect, Dr. Snow."

"Yes, that may be the case, but Barry—"

"Should proceed."

Barry laughs. "Caitlin, it's okay. I promise. I feel..." Barry shakes out his arms. "I feel great."

"Good. Then let's not waste any more time."

"Mr. Interrupter, buzz killing the mood again," Cisco says. "Okay, let's do this."

Barry breathes in, and his nostrils burn from the cold. Swallowing hurts. His whole body aches, like when Zoom— 

But this is different. Barry closes his hands into fists, narrows his eyes on the road. He shoots forward and can feel the difference. 

He sees lightning, the speed force, the world gone, and then he hears Cisco's triumphant, "Yes! Go, Barry, go!"

Even Harrison concedes success, and Barry can't help but smile, chest expanding with the sheer— With everything. It's working. It works. And despite everything that Barry's had to survive and endure, he's finally, finally fast enough, and it's... It's more than great. It's exhilarating. 

So when he glances to his left and sees himself, so determined, so slow and confused, reaching out to him is easy. A nanosecond of connection: his cold fingers to his own warm lips. 

~*~

Barry stretches to every corner that he can, grazes the walls and ceilings and floors with his fingertips. He laughs at the memory of Zoom and his black eyes and a voice that used to scare him, but Barry's still so—

He raises his head when he hears the slide of the lock. He smiles when the door opens and almost laughs when he hears Len try the light switch. 

"Len."

Len keeps the door open, standing in the small pool of light from the hall, but he steps closer. "Barry? What are you—"

Barry surges closer but frowns when Len pulls his cold gun. Len doesn't even hesitate. In the dark, the beam of the cold gun flares bright enough that Barry can see Len's face, his slack jaw and wide eyes when the hood of his parka falls away. 

Len backs out of the door, but Barry's faster, so much faster, and he grabs Len's shoulders, dragging him back inside, laughing at the fact that Len still doesn't drop the cold gun and doesn't let up on the trigger either. And Barry—

All Barry wants to do is kiss Len. So he does. Until Len is just as hungry as he is.


End file.
